Archive for May, 2006

it seems that not sleeping takes it’s toll on the …

May 29, 2006

it seems that not sleeping takes it’s toll on the body and mind. I’m exhausted in so many ways. I’ll blog later.

Sleep is for the weak.

May 27, 2006

I wish that every day was a Saturday or Sunday. Or Friday. I fecking love weekends. This one has been smashing, so far. Friday – School ’til 3 and then a nice nap before work. Partied my ass off all night (y’know… dancing around, talking to people, making dollars… I love my job sometimes), then came back here afterwards with some of my American friends. Got high. Had fun 🙂 God… did I ever. I Went to sleep around 7:00am and had horrible nightmares until I woke up around 11:00am to a call from my friend Steven. I had a quick shower and went to the beach with him and some of his friends (who are cool as hell. I’m always one to give props to the girls who are cool and not stuck up bitches like most girls.) Now, I am here. Going to go see Xmen3 in about an hour and THEN going to eat some sushi! I can’t fucking wait. Then the evening will consist of me selling shooters (aka hustling) at Woody’s, coming back here and partying with loved ones and passing out around sunrise like I always do.
My little cousin’s first communion is tommorow, so I’ll be hitting that up – more importantly, the after party (and by after party I mean family gathering with FOOOODD. I really like food). Then it’s work at 7… my first night waitressing at the Chubby Pickle. I’m nervous and psyched at the same time. I really want to do a good job and not drop anything. It should be good times. Soooo… yeah – if anyone NON creepy in the Windsor area is reading this, come on out! The guy from I mother Earth is playing, so it should be busy – and fun.

That’s all for now. Hopefully I can find time to do my homework in there somewhere… I have two major sketches due monday morning. Guaranteed I’ll be pulling and all nighter Sunday to finish it up – and another on Monday. Tuesday, I’ll rest. Wednesday, I’ll party. Thursday, I’ll party. And then it’s the weekend again…

Sleep is for the weak.

I love my life.

Lauren L’artiste!

May 25, 2006

Yo.

I took some photos with my cellphone today of some of the pieces of art I’ve been working on in class. I don’t know if I’ve blogged about this yet – if I have, my apologies. I’m taking an introductory drawing class as an elective course just for the summer semester. It’s fast tracked so I go every day for three weeks, 9am – 3pm. It’s tedious, but there are some cool girls in my class and we get to do some neat stuff. Like draw nude models 🙂 I just finished my third day of model drawing. The first two days we had female models, today we had a guy. At first I thought it would be weird, drawing naked people and all – but after the first 2 akward minutes, they become just another object and all I can think about is how to capture their form in the right proportion and yada yada.

Anyhoo… here are a couple of drawings that I have created within the last 3 days. Remember, I’m a beginner – unlike some of my prodigific camworld colleagues *ahem* Crystal and Amend…
So don’t be too harsh in your judging! I can do pretty good cartoony things, but this anatomical form drawing is pretty damn new to me.

Breif sketch done in graphite on bond paper:

Reduction drawing done with conte on bond paper:

Block painting done on illustration board with acrylics:

I’m starving. Time for a toasted tomato sandwhich and some soup, methinks. mmmm…

Huuurrrr.

May 23, 2006

Wow. You guys are great… seriously. I had a huge flood of emails and nice comments after that last entry – I didn’t even expect it. I didn’t mean to sound so – I dunno – needy… like I needed reassurance. I don’t. I was just laying down how I feel. It turns out though, that a lot of you appreciated my ability to be open and honest. I want to thank each and every one of you who commented or emailed me. Really, it means so much to me that people care and like me for my thoughts, and furthermore that I can bring some hapiness or understanding to another human being. So commenters, emailers, lurkers – Thankyou. I got some great insight and advice from a great deal of you and I do feel much better about my situation now.

Now, onto more superficial things… Should I cut my hair?
I’ve had this long hair for years. I don’t think I’ve had it shorter than my armpits since grade 10. Currently, I have some layers in the front that make it almost look like I have short hair when I pull back the longness. I was thinking about going about shoulder length. Of course, this is all just hypothetical. I’m way too chicken to ever cut my hair. I really do love having long hair… but short hair is cute too – and we all need change sometimes, right? argh. Check it – these photos show only the front layers kindof… let me know what you think – and TRULY think. As much as I love ass kissing (and I do, believe me), I want to know what would look best on me. Any hair stylists out there, your opinion especially would be appreciated. GAH! I already know the answer to this question.. “hair grows! do it! take a risk! it will look sooo much healthier…”. I just wish it were that easy… le sigh!

I’m terrified of doing something I’ll regret.

Story of my life though… seriously. Miss Indecisive herself, Lauren O’Nizzle.

Not one, not two, not, three, but FOUR times this …

May 22, 2006

Not one, not two, not, three, but FOUR times this weekend I’ve had random people from my hometown mention this website… and more often than not they also mention that they’ve heard I make money off of this, or they come right out and ask if I get naked on my webcam for money.

I’m getting used to being recognized as Sin O’Nizzle from myspace, and I don’t mind that. I recognize people from myspace all the time. It’s such a huge entity now, and we are all connected. I think it’s kind of neat. But the website thing… I just can’t shake the fact that so many people out there know this URL, read this blog, see my photos, and get the wrong idea. So let me clear a few things up, dear readers – for you, for them and for me.

I am not a porn star.

I do not sell pornographic photos or videos of myself… But on the same token, I’ve done things that I’m not proud of for money. Things that make me feel like shit. I’ve hustled innocent people. I’ve done things that have made me uncomfortable. I’ve hurt the people that I love the most because at the time I thought that I loved money more. I thought that what I was doing was okay because I was getting so much money for it – such easy, easy money… for doing virtually nothing! and it’s not like they could touch me or hold me or ever really know me… but I was wrong. Someone wise told me that this can’t be very good for my self esteem – ‘exploiting’ myself the way I do, and I think that explains a lot. The fact that I would ever do those things in the first place shows that I didn’t posess a very strong sense of self worth to begin with. Not that there is anything wrong with camshows… but the fact that I felt so gross and wrong and truly hateful towards many of my clients and continued to do it anyways, well… that is where the problem lies.

I will tell you that I don’t care about what people think of me, but it’s a lie. I care… so fucking much it kills me. I tell myself that I don’t, but I can’t stop caring. I wish I could. I get upset when I hear all the little stories and rumors floating around about me and my website and the things I do for money because I hate the person that I’ve become. I hate the fact that people I grew up with think that I’m a ‘porn star’. I hate the fact that my little brother has to hear from his friends that I have a hot ass because they saw it on the internet. I let myself be corrupted so that I could buy Prada sunglasses, neat little techie toys and copious amounts of shoes and clothes that I don’t even wear. Most of all, I hate that I did this to myself. I knew the consequences… I never hid the fact that I had a website like this. Hell, I even promoted it at one point. I liked the attention. I’ve always liked attention, you see. My biggest downfall. Many of us humans have that problem I think.

I don’t blame anybody for talking ‘smack’, so to speak. I, as a girl, understand how it is. We love gossip. We love to look down on eachother to make ourselves feel better. We get jealous and we always want to be the best, the prettiest, the coolest, the ‘hottest’.

This world is in a sad state. I know it’s cliche to blame the media, but I do. That’s part of it I think, at least. If we didn’t feel so much pressure to be ‘famous’, and beautiful, and thin, and rich, and have everything and BE somebody special, I don’t think we would be so competitive with each other and girls especially would be a lot less cruel to eachother. It would have been nice to have been born way back in the day – or even in another country, where I had real worries and problems and goals – like survival – instead of looking the hottest and being the coolest.

It’s easy to judge me. I’m weak. One of the weakest people I know. I sold myself for a long time because I wanted the clothes, the toys, the hair, the lifestyle that would make me feel good about myself. As you may have guessed, it had quite the opposite effect. I detest myself sometimes. I sold out. But no more.

It took losing half of my life to realize what I was risking that whole time. I just hope that in time I get can get it back. I desperately want to be happy. They say that money is the route of all evil… so if I stop focusing SO much on it (and material things) then maybe I’ll be less evil? It’s worth a shot. I can’t go on living like this forever. Something’s gotta give. I just want to be a good person. I wish it wasn’t so hard…

don’t blog about it… don’t blog about it… be c…

May 21, 2006

don’t blog about it… don’t blog about it… be cool… be cool.

AHHHHHRHGHGJKSHFKJFHJFHFHHFFH!!! Can I be healthy…

May 17, 2006

AHHHHHRHGHGJKSHFKJFHJFHFHHFFH!!!

Can I be healthy for more than 2 days at a time? Jesus Fucking Christ. What the hell am I doing to make my immune system so crappy? I need to get out of Windsor maybe… or ya know, stop binge drinking and smoking weed. and start sleeping. and excercising. and eating something other than McCheeseburgers, poutine, and diet coke. hahaha. I know exactly why I’m unhealthy, I’m just unwilling to change it – and then, like the little punk I am, I complain about being sick. People like me are retarded.

May 24 this weekend… should be swell. I’m still unsure as to what I’m doing, but I know it involves either camping, camping, or riding roller coasters. Sauble Beach with a whole bunch of my Chatham friends would be soooo much fun… but if I work Saturday night I can’t go – so I’m still waiting to here from my boss about that. Also, some new developments on that front… it might actually be better if I didn’t go. tensions. ugh. time will heal all… I just wish it didn’t have to take so long.

Grand Bend is another option – I’ve been there the last two May24s (including the LEGENDARY cottage bender weekend – one of the craziest trips of my entire life. We threw some crazy ass parties… and did some hilarious shit). I am thinking about driving down for the day on Sunday with my girls. Camping is great, but… dirty. I’m not really the camping type, y’know?

Enough blogging – I need to call the doctor’s office and get back to bed before I cough up some more delicious bile. I am tossing everything in my fridge. I haven’t bought groceries for weeks and it seems that everytime I eat everything from there I throw up. When does macaroni salad go bad? and for that matter, how long can you eat lunchmeat after it’s been opened? (please say 3 weeks…).

Now hiring a nanny to take care of me because I obviously can’t do it myself.

– – –

May 15, 2006

This blog is for the ladies.

Download “breezy” by Jojo. Fucking right doggy – I wish I got shopping sprees of the heezy. The man I marry will give me dough to blow, please believe me. AND I won’t even need it, because my career will be booming. It’s the thought that counts.

I’m drunk. I love my work and I love vodka.

*EDIT*: innapropriate (way too personal) content removed. Drunken blogging is bad. */EDIT*

I worry sometimes that my life revolves too much around sexual things. I’ve been told that I “ooze sex” – and I don’t even mean to… It’s just me. I must have watched showcase at night by accident as a child or something. I don’t know why I am this way… I just am.

Random thoughts:

– I really really like Pink, the artist. She’s so cool. I never even realized. She’s positive, fun, and has good songs.

– Nice gestures will win me over… lack of nice gestures will push me away.

– Flowers… oh flowers…

– I am going to write a book. Loosely based on my life and experiences. Honest, raw, and uncensored. My parents will definitely not be able to read it, but I hope that it will make me millions (note to self – it will not).

This blog will be deleted in the AM most likely. i gotta sleep. school tomoorow.

photo blog…

May 9, 2006

I thought that some of you would find this cute… Troy took this one night when I passed out watching TV with the cat. I love my kitty!:

And here is Tickory and her new BFF (the Chinese Shar-Pei next door) Kirby!:

And a couple of random party pictures from this weekend:

You can find those in the gallery – I added a couple of new albums.

Guess what?

I love you.

I wish I was strong enough to…

May 8, 2006

– be a good person

– not flake out on everybody, all the time

– embrace change

– not let things slide

– follow my intuition

– walk away from situations that cause me pain

– not let myself or others talk me into believing things that aren’t true

– shake the deep rooted insecurity about who I am

– stop doing things that I’m not proud of for money

– shut down my website and myspace

– stop lying

– ditch the people in my life that need ditching

– let the people in my life that mean the world to me know how I feel

– not to be stubborn when I know I’m wrong

– stand up for the little guy

– stand up for myself

– not let my own insecurities play out in the form of hatred towards an innocent other.

– leave the house without my makeup and hair done

– make a decision every once in a while – big or small.

– to find validity internally rather than externally

– to stop judging others

– to stop pretending I’m so damn smart

– to follow my dreams…