Archive for February, 2006

lyke, omg, totally, whatevs n LOLZZZZ! lyke longest blog EVER!

February 26, 2006

Yo.

Yesterday started off as a wonderful, wonderful day. It was beautiful outside, I had no problems crossing the border, and I actually enjoyed driving around Michigan. The photoshoot went quite well (I should have some sample pics to post soon), the photographer had an adorable little Jack Russel mix with a mohawk that was so cute I seriously considered running out to the pound and getting a dog on the way home. We ate at Tony’s Coney Island Diner afterwards – I had chilli cheese fries and a hot dog. If I do get this modelling contract, I’m done with the chilli cheese fries for a while. fuck. I wish food made you skinny instead of the opposite. OH – I got to wear the most ADORABLE little abercrombie skirt for the pictures that I fell in love with. Why don’t they have abercrombie and fitch in Canada? Huh? HUH? LYKE OMG WTF TOTALLY LOLZ STFU!

As previously blogged, Friday night was awesome, but if living the life of Lauren O’Nizzle has taught me anything it’s that when something goes really well, something bad has to happen (to balance out the universe) – and true to my theory, something bad happened last night. I was working coat check at Woody’s, and everything was going cool until it started getting really busy. People were yelling at me left and right, being assholes like drunk people tend to be (hey – i’ll admit that I’m a little more mouthy than I normally would be when I’ve had a few to drink). These new tickets that we had in the coat check didn’t have holes in them, so I was ripping holes for them to fit on the hanger. Unfortunately, the holes werent holding up and all of the tickets were falling of the hangers, making it near impossible for me to find anyone’s coat (and when you’ve got around 300 coats in that cramped little area, 30 people waiting in line to check or retrieve their coats, and no ticket system to organize them, that’s a HUGE problem). I started to not be able to breathe very well, and kept taking my puffer, and that, along with the stress and some other stuff, caused me to faint. I don’t really remember much from that point on… but luckily, someone does!

Here is a guest bloggie from my boss Shawn McSexy* (last name may or may not be real):

“Tonight the combination of events made for a very weird night.

Big Mike comes up to me while I was in the Chubby Pickle and said that the coat check is fucked b/c the new coat check tickets are falling off the the hangers and he said that Lauren was in there. Just then Darren walks past me and I said, “Dude… you are not going to beleive what is going on in the Coat Check.” We then walked into the room. I didn’t tell Darren what was happening.. I was just trying to be dramatic. But then when we walked into the room… there she was. There was a girl laying on her back with her head kinda under the coats. Darren looks at me and says, “What the fuk?… You think this is funny?” I looked at him in shock… I was soooooo confused. It was Lauren and she was laying on the ground passed out and there was people looking at us in the coat check asking for there jackets looking at Laurens feet from behind the door. Darren shook her and Lauren started coming too and was very incoherent and confused. I was freaking out… She then grabbed her head and was rubbing it in pain. She had passed out fell right there in coat check. I placed her on a cooler and started asking her questions like you know where you are? What did you eat today? Do you know my name? The whole time she was looking at me like I was an idiot and she was thinking real hard. We took her to the office and started having a laugh after we figured out that she just got a little excited from the stress of the crazy coat check and she hyper ventalated.

I said she was like the fainting goats that I saw on the internet!!! Normally I see a hot chick passed out and I am a pervert.. but this time I was genuinelly concerened for her safety. It was the last thing I expected to see in the coat check when we walked in. Its not every day you see one of you employees laying on the ground in a slammed bar on a Saturday Night. LOL…

I hope you feel better and we love you Lauren!!!!

Here is Lauren as a goat
.

Shawn “

Thanks Shawn 🙂 So there you have it, loyal readers. A first hand account of what happened last night… and that’s just the tip of the iceburg! I hear that there was a mean bitchfight last night too! I looooove girlfights hahaha. Hair pulling, box kicking, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, a nip slip.

In other news – who wants to buy me a fainting goat? they have to be about the cutest thing I have EVER seen:

Last paragraph – I promise. I had over 6 million hits last month. Thank god I sprung for the extra bandwidth when I bought my hosting package eh? That doesn’t mean that 6 million people came to this very page, but it means that six million and 300 some odd thousand people requested a file that is hosted on nakedbarbies.net (I’m sure a lot of those hits came from the file cam.jpg( my cam pic), which is on a lot of sites besides this one). However, over 10,000 people came to this blog page last month… and I’m sure at least some of them read it. So why aren’t you commenting?!?! All you lurkers – drop me a line. I want to know who’s reading this shit… seriously. It started out so small… and it’s grown into something that I didn’t think it would. I know that people read this who don’t tell me that they read it… and that kindof freaks me out. I guess that’s what you get for having a PUBLIC website though. If anyone who shouldn’t be reading this, *cough* relatives *cough*, is – then click the x. I wouldn’t invade your privacy like that.

Now, go visit Leanne, because she is the hottness.

Off to AMERICA for the day!

February 25, 2006

dah dah dah dah dah dah, I’m in looovvve with a strippperrrr.

Photoshoot in 2 hours and I’m still buzzed from last night. This is good. This is why you DON’T start drinking at 3am. Especially when you have to look good in front of a camera the next day.

Last night was a good night. good crowd. I sold lots of Jager Bombs, that’s for sure. I… have nothing to say. Here’s a photo of Colleen from work and I on Wednesday – I was TRASHED:

I love it because 1. it’s hot. 2. Colleen is grabbing my ass and 3. DAMN my hair looks good. hahahaha – it damn well better, I spend enough money on it.

In other news, I hate driving in Michigan. Especially when I don’t know where I’m going. Thank god for mapquest, eh? I’m totally going to eat at one of those big ass buffets that we don’t get in Canada when I’m done working. Or white castle. There are a lot of fat people in Michigan, I think.

Lauren O’Nizzle, signing off.

Pacsun, Advanced Masterbation and the Nude Cheerleader.

February 23, 2006

I just spent 45$ on sushi. fuck me. I spend more money on fish than I do on drugs lately… and that’s whack.

OMG – I am in love love love with this shirt (back view):

The fact that it’s called a ‘royal with cheese’ makes it that much cooler. FYI, I am now willing to do camshows for Pacsun giftcards. seriously. email me about it – I want some new sneakers and hoodies. 🙂

oh – I was over at pureketamine.com (one of my new favourite sites – I am completely enamoured with the old school layout) and saw a link to this site. Man – It’s pretty interesting… it’s advanced masturbation techniques for males. I can’t really use it, since I’m a girl – but I do enjoy looking at the pictures, haha 🙂

Now, here is the big news – the big scandal. Has anyone else heard about the Naked University of Windsor Cheerleader incident? Apparently, this girl goes to my school and is on the cheerleading team and happened to get really drunk one night and let some guys take naked pictures of her. They got out on the internet. Enough said. I feel really badly for this girl… but I’m going to post a link to the pics anyways – there are 57 in total. See the gallery here (main menu, pron, cheerleader). I recognize her too. I don’t know if it’s from classes, or because she works as a shooter girl downtown also… who knows. Either way – it sucks to be her, but the pictures are (kindof) hot.

Okay – this is a beckon to all my friends – I’m going to Michigan on Saturday for a photoshoot, I need someone to accompany me – it’ll be like, an hour – and we’ll go out for lunch somewhere awesome. And maybe shopping too. k? K? does anyone still love me? It seems that the only people I ever hang around with anymore are boys. The few girls that I have are always busy… so yeah. You know who you are – Ashley, Jackie, Ashli, Jessica, anybody? please?

-L

picture post….

February 22, 2006

Thankyou to everyone who took my test! there were quite a few of you, which made me feel better about my blog, since it shows that people are actually reading this stuff (even if they aren’t commenting). Nothing to blog about really. It’s been a pretty uneventful week so far. I wanted to go out last night but my friends bitched out, and it was too late to call other ones and Troy was busy, so I watched Lord of War with Nicholas Cage. It was okay. Actually, it was pretty effing cheesy. I could have written a better script when I was 15. Almost. BUT, Jared Leto was in it 🙂 unfortunately his horrible acting, and the typecasting of him as a drug addict was suchhh a turnoff. Man, come to think of it, that movie sucked. It did entertain me for a few hours though. After that, I had sex, and then Troy popped in “Dark Water” and we both fell asleep before anything scary happened. We’ll have to try again when it’s NOT 2:00am.

On to the photos… (from this weekend)

Shooting Jello into my arm:

With fellow shooter girl Natalie:

My favourite regular and resident superstar, Remus. He took a hockey puck in the face that night! you can’t tell because I photoshopped away the booboo. What a trooper!:

With Remus and Natalie. We are fierbinte – hahaha.:

Someone needs a brazillian wax!:

HAHAHAHA.

That’s all for now. I’ve got homework to do… and I should probably go outside today or something. Oh yeah! work at 5:45 – I’m working coat check at thechubbypickle and I’m ACTUALLY going to be there. Hell, I HAVE to be there, I’ve got to work! lol.

Quiz, Turbo Jam, I suck.

February 20, 2006

I made a quiz for you lovely readers to take, should you choose to take it – It’s called “How Lauren are you?” – If you score high, you’re very “Lauren” – if you score low, you’re not. Simple as that. take the quiz here. Anyone who gets a ten out of ten wins a special prize. I don’t know what that is yet… but it’s special!

NOW – I would like to give the biggest and most gracious thankyou possible to my best fan (and buddy) EVER – Jeffrey, for buying me the turbo jam dvd set! I’ve been watching these infomercials every night after work and I really want to get all tight and hot for summer – so I’m going to do it – the turbo jam way! 🙂

I’m going to see a show at the chubby pickle on Tuesday night, so if any of you Windsor folk are bored, come check it out! And I’m working there Wednesday, but it’s all ages – so youngin’s, come on out!

Back to programming in C. ugh,

Do you ever feel…

February 19, 2006

like you don’t fit in anywhere? like there isn’t any place you actually feel comfortable around other human beings?
I thought that by now I would have found my place in life, but I haven’t. I always thought “I’m akward – I’ll grow out of it” – but I haven’t yet. Maybe the problem is deeper than that… or maybe I just don’t belong here.

I’m sick of feeling like an outsider. I’m starting to think that maybe no one will ever truly get me, and it sucks.

*EDIT*: This is the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internet all week haha – esp. since I’m always making fun of Mike Jones and I love the Ninja Turtles. I can’t wait to show this to my brother (I GIVE FULL CREDIT FOR THIS IMAGE TO REMUS POP – there. happy remus? hahaha)

Andddd just because I collect funny pictures on my computer like Brian ____ collected boogers under his desk in 4th grade (HAHAHA), Here are some of my favourites from this week:

I think one of my roomates is cooking a pizza. It smells delicious. Away I go… /*EDIT*

I just got home from work and Troy is not home fro…

February 18, 2006

I just got home from work and Troy is not home from the keg party he went to yet, and I don’t feel like going over there – it’s cold. Soooo I’m blogging. I can’t sleep yet. I’m always wired when I get home from the bar. I did well tonight though – it felt good to be back. I had last weekend off because I needed to go back to Chatham for the weekend. As much as I hate getting my ass grabbed by fuglies and being around all the cigarette smoke, I really do like my job. I get to dance around and make cash at the same time, and all the people I work with are cool. Plus, there’s always the added bonus of getting to flirt shamelessly with cute boys all night 🙂 especially this one boy… hahaha. joke. No guilt. It’s my job, right?

I see a lot of really funny stuff there too, hahaha. Like a skinny guy with gold teeth cheering on his drunk breakdancing friend saying “yeah! yeah!” like Little John… you had to see it. It was cash. And the retarded chick (literally retarded – I think she had downs syndrome) who won the hot body contest. That was hilar. OH! and tonight there were these feminist protestor bitches outside the chubby pickle protesting the objectification of women or something in response to a music video by local band intra meridian (directed by Gavinaberry Le Booth) that was premiered there – see the full story here. My boss got out a hose to spray them, but ended up refraining. It was too cold outside… but man – that would have been the highlight of my week. pure comedy.

I went for a run this morning. It felt good. I really need to get in shape for bikini season… gah – especially since I’m working at this bar now and in the summer especially, will be dressing in very revealing clothes. It seems like all the other shooter girls have perfect bodies. I don’t want to look like the uggo shooter girl.

Here’s a photo for the ladies – and gay gentlemen:

Haha – how much is this carwash and why isn’t there one in my neighbourhood? Thanks to my friend Alicia for emailing that picture to me.

Troy is home, and it’s time for bed. Bon Nuit, mon amis!

ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I just got ANOTHER parking ticke…

February 16, 2006

ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I just got ANOTHER parking ticket from stupid parking services at the University. I FECKING HATE THIS. I’ve parked in that lot for 3 weeks and didn’t get ticketed ONCE – then all of the sudden tonight they decide to slap me with a 30$ parking infraction for having my pass turned backwards? MOTHERRRRFUCCCKKKERRRS!!! I had just got out of a 2 hour midterm that I *think* I spanked, but I’m not sure – I was in a stressed mood to begin with – then I go to my car and see the telltale piece of white paper flapping in the wind… I almost snapped. I sped all the way home, watered my plant, turned on the tv, and ate 4 peices of chocolate covered macadamia nut stuff that I got for Valentine’s Day – because you know, getting fat will make me feel so much better :S. gah.

Whew. Sorry about that little rant. I feel much better now. Anyone want to donate 30$ to my parking ticket fund 🙂 hehe? or better yet – buy me a new hat. or new jeans. or a domain name. or a new jacket. I can’t stop wanting! what would Karl Marx say about my obsessive fetishism of commodities? I know exactly what he’d say… and many other theorists too, because I just wrote a test on it! But I shan’t bore you with that malarky.

I got 87% On the photography project that I posted in my blog. Yeah, I know. I was suprised too. The prof. said that the text was uneccesary – so now I wish I wouldn’t have included it – maybe I would have aced it. feck.

As you may have noticed, I am no longer swearing in my blogs (that much)- and I’m trying not to in real life as well. As my mother always tells me, I sound like ‘trailer trash’ (her words – not mine) and that a nice young lady like myself shouldn’t speak in such a crude manner. I’m finally getting it. It’s kind of a shock when I see a pretty young girl open her mouth to say “that fucking CUNT has nice shoes!” – and it’s like – “woah – do I really talk like that? do I really present myself that way?”

It’s time to tone down the potty-mouth, once and for all. Phase 1 of my ‘growing up’ project.

I had a lovely valentine’s day 🙂 We both had school all morning, and re-united around 12:30 in the library – coincidentally, both leaving the library at the very same time – talk about psychic. We literally walked around seperate corners and faced eachother hahaha. We went to our programming class together… making plans for dinner the whole time (when we weren’t making fun of fat people and talking about b-gunts), Thinking about all the possibilities. There are a lot of great restaurants in this city. Troy ended up taking me to a fancy japanese restaurant – it was AMAZING. We got all dressed up – he wore his suit, and looked sooo hot! I was swooning 🙂 hehe. It was a great meal. Then we rented Dumb and Dumberer, got some McFlurries, and snuggled all night. I got a foot massage too. It was nice. A lovely low key V-day, just the way we like it.

You know you’ve found true love when you get choked up just talking about it, after 2 years. I know it may not seem like a long time… but the novelty and newness has definitely worn off – we’re past the ‘honeymoon’ stage for sure and we still love each other more than ever. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him, because no one gets us like each other. We have the same sense of humor and we always have a good time together. Anyways – enough lovey dovey.

Mrs. Donny Douche, Over and out.

For those of you who don’t know – I have always be…

February 14, 2006

For those of you who don’t know – I have always been quite interested in art history. Art in general really… but art history is better, because you get to learn about all the very best art from the last thousands of years – you know it’s gotta be good to survive the test of time.

I am studying for my contemporary visual culture midterm (Wednesday) and my notes make reference to a lot of artists – both new and old. I was reviewing a part of the latest lecture about the music video “Closer” – by Nine Inch Nails, directed my Mark Romanek (That video, along with NIN’s “The Perfect Drug”, actually became part of the Museum of Modern Art’s permanent collection in 1997). I love that song, and I LOVE the video – but I used to love it because it was so twisted and bizarre. Now I love it even more because I realize that it isn’t bizarre at ALL – it’s smart. The video makes references to the works of twisted and weird artists of the past, Like Man Ray and J.A. Boiffard. If you think that Salvador Dali is creepy, check out Joel-Peter Witkin‘s stuff. There is another gallery here and I found some other images of his at ogrish.com that I’d rather not share. creepy shit. But I love it. It reminds me of the old medieval gothic torture art stuff. *shudder*. I watched too many A&E history specials with my dad growing up.

If you’re interested in art history, this site is AMAZING – a wealth of information. Props to Dr. C. Whitcombe at Sweet Briar College in Virginia for creating that site. Lots of info there. /geekness.

OMG – I almost just lost this whole blog. thank god for blogger’s “recover post” feature 🙂 just another reason I love blogger and WILL NOT SWITCH – even though everybody says I should. I’ve tried greymatter and wordpress – I just don’t like them as much.

I had a good weekend at home – relaxing, fun, lottts of food. Tickory got to see her brother all weekend and they played/fought/cuddled all weekend. I love getting the two kitties together – they’re so precious 🙂

Time to study. Midterms suck. Keep on trucking, kids.

To shave, or not to shave?

February 11, 2006

I would like to take a moment to speak on a topic that I feel is of slight importance in today’s society. Last night I was watching a television show (real sex, or something along those lines) and they were talking about pubic hair – and whether or not to shave it off, or leave it ‘au naturel’. Some say that the decision to remove all of your hair down there indicates that you are immature, or would like to revert back to your childhood or something. That’s mainly a feminisit theory. I, personally, haven’t had hair on my crotch since I was like, 13. I hate the way it looks, and I feel better without it. It’s cleaner, and sexier. But to each her own, right? After watching the program and doing some research, I realized that there is nothing wrong with shaving OR maintaning a full bush. It’s all about personal preference. Like a hairstyle! I don’t think that by shaving or waxing that I am trying to ‘revert back to my childhood’, and I don’t believe that by keeping a full bush that someone is a ‘lesbian moon maiden’. It’s all about what you find attractive and comfortable. A friend of mine from school’s mother actually has this company that sells neat stencil kits that allow you to shape your hair any way you like! hearts, stars, etc. check it out! I think it’s fucking awesome.

For those of you who need tips on how to shave it all off RIGHT, here’s a good article I found while browsing around… shave your vag!.

I’m in a daze right now… I really am. Life is weird right now. I’m doped up on cough medicine as usual – Troy is playing video games behind me. We’re in Chatham. Going out tonight to get drunk for the first time in a LONG time. We’ll be back in Dub city on Monday afternoon… I have a midterm on Wednesday. Yoooopppeeeee!

I need to lay down or something for a bit so that I don’t pass out tonight.

To the person who will never read this… She’ll never be me… he’ll never be you. But I guess things are better this way. I love him so much, and you love her too. But I wish we didn’t have to waste the connection we had. It sucks that we can’t still be friends. Fuck all the good times AND the bad times – I’m done with you. I’ve stopped trying. I’m done dreaming about you and missing you. It was a fun two years… and it’s a shame that you don’t want anything to do with me because I really did see a potential for us to be cool. We knew each other better than anyone at one time, and you can’t erase that. Here’s to a lifetime of never seeing you again. I hope she makes you happier than I did – but we both know that she’ll never be Lauren O’Neil 🙂

In conclusion, Troy is my best friend and the best lover I have ever had. No one has ever been able to compare to him. He’s amazing. I hope all of you, dear readers, discover what I have… and when you do – keep it, hold on to it! never let it go.